Never Ever
by Tovare
Summary: Ludwig realizes he made the biggest/stupidest mistake in his life. He doesn't want to be alone, he doesn't want to be without Ivan! He misses Ivan. He has to get him back... but will Ivan want him back?


My hands had to write this... I just remember typing, my fingers scare me, them and my hands worked together to type it all, **themselves**, so thank them!

Sorry this isn't that great and kind of confusing on my part... (I could have made it a lot clear, but where is the fun in that?) but I think it makes perfect sense if you read it and think about it!

One more thing, I didn't have enough time to edit this as thoroughly as I wanted... but please enjoy anyhow!

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><p><strong>Title : Never Ever<strong>

Ludwig took a few steps back, stretching out his arms as he held the picture in his hands because he wanted to see the full picture. Now, he could see the faces of his fellow Nations, but he could not bear to look at the corner of the picture. He had already decided to leave the heartache for last. He did not-… no, could not feel any pain, anymore at least, because he knew he would never be able to feel _anything_ ever again if he did so. But knowing he could release himself from his own hurt just by looking at **it** first, by proving to himself, he could look at it first and than look at the rest of the picture, was too tortuous. He'd rather feel all the hurt and suffering than nothing but the emptiness that has haunted him since _then_. At least than he could _feel_ something, although he realized he was using the pain to replace another burning sensation, but the other feeling wasn't painful. The other one was pure bliss. It was love. Ludwig sighed to himself before he glanced at the first few people in the very front of the photograph. He smiled to himself.

His older brother, Gilbert, and Francis and Antonio, all grinning like fools as they stood next to each other, posing. He felt a sharp pain at his heart. He remembered the idiotic arguments he had with Francis, wondering how his brother could still stand the man. Then Ludwig glanced at Antonio and remembered when that man had pushed for an arranged marriage between him and one of Antonio's friends, one of his own close friends, but… Ludwig could feel his heart sink as he thought of the corner he was avoiding so shamefully. Ludwig frowned now; he would have endured any marriage, to whomever Antonio had wanted, if, in the end, he could just have _him_.

Ludwig quickly looked to the people behind them, the Nordics. Not much pain in looking at them, he thought carefully and than he decides to study them all for a moment. They stood together like one big happy family; all wore serene, pleasant smiles, but one, a tall man. He wore no expression at all, but slight amusement that almost seemed cold but well controlled. Ludwig stared a moment longer before he saw the scars each held. The only one that seemed the most numbed by the hurt and anger, probably inflicted upon one of the others who stood with him, was Berwald. Ludwig grimaced to himself, he hated the way the anger, that was so controlled he barely noticed it in Berwald's eyes, made him remember his own pain.

He skipped a few other Nations, knowing almost nothing, but everything politically, about them.

Ludwig stopped again at Arthur, Peter, Matthew and Alfred. Each of the four males seemed oddly content with each other. There were almost no bitter expressions, but he knew how hurt Arthur had been when Alfred 'ran away.' He also knew that Matthew was always a bit annoyed with Alfred, for Alfred being… Alfred. In other words, for always hogging everything. As Ludwig looked closer he saw that Peter had a cheated look in his eyes. He knew it was directed at Arthur. Ludwig hated to himself for finding hate or anger or any emotion other than happiness in each person's face. The emotions were good at hiding but _why_ could he see them? _Why_ couldn't he be happy they were smiling at least?

Was it because he had seen and felt true happiness once?

Was that why he hated everyone for reminding him of his own aching heart and lying smiles?

Ludwig sighed before he glanced to his own friends. Vash, Lilly, Roderich and Elizaveta. He felt himself smile lightly. Suddenly, the memories when the photographer took this picture hit him like a rock to the back of the head; Ludwig knew where he was at. He knew why he was there. Ludwig swallowed everything he still had left, which was purely raw emotions now. He had to admit it eventually. He was there because of _him_.

Ludwig frantically tired to find something to take his mind off of things. He found Feliciano, Lovino, Kiku, Heracles, Sadiq and a few other Nations, mostly in their region. Ludwig has to look away from their smiling faces. There were too many memories to be healthy for him.

He looked again at the photograph, this time at the side farthest from where he knew he was, the corner he still had his hand over. Ludwig could see Toris and Feliks smiling, holding hands. Ludwig grimaced. The horrible memories of war come again, and he looks away from Feliks to see Raivis and Eduard next to Toris. He frowned again to himself. He could not stand to look at them anymore.

Ludwig glanced around the picture again. Lots of people, Nations, all together in one, grand, beautiful portrait. He took in a deep breath. Ludwig knew he was going to have to look at the corner sooner or later. Why not now? Why save all the hurt for later? Ludwig thought, almost demanding himself to answer though he knew he had no answer that would satisfy himself. Might as well get it over with now…

Ludwig carefully lifted his hand from the picture. He stumbled back a few steps to set the picture down on the table, and he took a seat quickly. He clasped his hand over his mouth as if that could really keep in all the cries and whimpers that were already starting to form on the tip of his tongue. Ludwig took in a deep breath and glanced back to the picture, blinking away tears as he did so.

Ivan was hugging him in the picture, his arms around Ludwig's neck, Ivan had the cutest smile on his face, and what was more was the smile was _genuine_. Ludwig had gotten Ivan smile a _sincere_ smile. The picture got him every time he looked at it. It was always the same smile, but, than again, it was always the same picture. Ludwig glanced to his own face, he didn't look serious at all, not like would have if it had been his older brother or Feliciano, or anyone else for that matter, with their arms around his neck. He may have even yelled at them. Ludwig bit lip as he stared at himself. He had a smile of his own on his face. His head was slightly leaning against Ivan-… Ludwig choked up. He started to roughly wipe away his tears out of anger.

Ludwig had let it all slip away. Ludwig had _hurt_ him, and Ludwig kept doing it too, but he was following orders! But… Ludwig scowled to himself as he bit his lip harshly. How could he ever expect Ivan to forgive him? He betrayed him. He hurt him. He was horrible. Ludwig grimaced to himself. How could he ever forgive himself?

He could not bear to look at the picture anymore, and he set it face down. He decided he needed to take a 'breather'. Or, really, go drinking with his older brother.

And he did. He drank more than he usually did when he was drinking outside his room. Ludwig set his head down against the counter of the bar. Ludwig couldn't get _him_ out of his head. He couldn't even think _his_ name without wanting to cry. He started to doze off. He glanced at his brother who was shouting across the bar to someone, grinning eagerly and waving his arms around. Ludwig wearily glanced up to see Francis and Antonio walking towards them. Francis whispered something and pointed to Ludwig. Gilbert mumbled something back with a slight shrug, and Antonio said something impatiently.

Ludwig sighed to himself and continued his drinking, not caring about the fact he knew he was going to have a horrible, probably the worst in a long time, hangover tomorrow. He glanced at his brother who was entertaining the other two with jokes and silly stories of just about anything. Ludwig glanced around the bar; he set his head down again, this time, passing out completely.

He was awoken to his brother shaking him. He doubled over and puked. His brother laughed his loud, manic laugh and hit his back harshly. Ludwig flinched, dizzy. He quickly shook off the sick feeling as his brother handed him a cup of water to rinse his mouth out. His brother said something, but Ludwig didn't care of what at the moment. He simply nodded and started to follow his brother out of the bar. Ludwig covered his face and yawned lightly, he could feel the effects of the hangover, but it wasn't nearly as bad as he thought it would be. And then he bumped into someone -someone who felt so familiar- but he knew better than to daydream. He grimaced. Weren't all the drinks suppose to take his mind _off_ of things? Not make him start imagining silly things, maybe he had finally snapped… or he drank way too much beer. He looked up to apologize to whoever he had bumped into realizing they had stopped but than he froze in place. His blue eyes widened in fright and horror at the ghost before him.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Gilbert's voice snapped rather loudly and spiteful. Ludwig glanced to his left to see his brother grab his arm, and Gilbert started pull him away. His brother was still trying to protect him. His brother had told him it wasn't going to work. His brother had begged him not to let his heart go to someone who could never return his feelings, but Gilbert was wrong. Gilbert was completely wrong about that because Ivan _had_ returned his feelings. Gilbert never believed him when he told him that he was the one who broke it off. It was his fault it didn't work. And it was his fault, but that didn't matter at the moment because it was_ Ivan_.

_**Ivan**_. Oh God, it was Ivan. Ivan was standing right in front of him.

"Still bitter towards me I see, Gilbert, da?" Ivan smiled his childishly fake smile. It made Ludwig hate himself even more than he already did, and that surprised him, he didn't know it was possible, but of course, it was. Ludwig stared at the reason for his self-loathing, Ivan's 'smile', he'd seen Ivan's smile. A real smile and now that he saw the fake one again, it made him blame himself all over.

"You dirty son of a-" Gilbert started, his lips curled up in a snarl. Ludwig could see the hate etched perfectly clear on his older brother's face. Ludwig, no matter how drunk, still knew how to successfully calm his brother down.

"Gil…" Ludwig grabbed his brother's arm and poked him gently between the eyes, making his brother pout slightly, which was a childish action on both their parts. "Get your awesome self home… I'll be right behind you… I want to tell Ivan something," Ludwig glanced back at Ivan realizing he hadn't asked him to talk yet. "I-If that's alright with you." Ivan looked reluctant for a moment, and Ludwig thought Ivan would decline and maybe even shout an insult or two at him, but Ivan nodded. Gilbert glared at Ludwig before muttering something to himself and walking away, but he kept looking behind him towards Ludwig with a soft somewhat concerned and bothered frown, he looked almost like a spanked puppy with its tail between its legs.

"What is it, Ludwig?" Ivan said calmly, too calmly to be calm. Too calm to even be _okay_. It sounded so emotionless and formal… so untouched by what had happened between the two men…- Almost like all the time they spent together never… happened. Ludwig choked again at the thought that maybe Ivan really hadn't cared at all for him, that maybe Ivan had thought their relationship had just been a funny joke, and everything he felt was lie, just Ivan getting his kicks- No. Ludwig thought sternly. That _smile_, that smile was real. It **had** been real.

"I'm sorry," Ludwig says before he can stop himself. He felt as if fireworks were going on inside of his head. A moment where everything was bright and than it flashed away to leave him once again in darkness. It was simply the truth. "I'm sorry for everything, Ivan. I did love you, no, no, that came out wrong, I still love you… I'll always love you." Ludwig's words were coming out too fast for him to even think them properly, all the emotions, not tamed or restrained, all out of control, and it made his heart race in the pain of not knowing what to do, what to say-

"It doesn't matter," Ivan said coldly now, raw emotion coming through to show the hurt in his voice. It was the most emotion Ludwig had heard in his voice since… Well since _then_. "You're too drunk to even remember this come morning. You'll forget. You'll forget everything. You probably won't even remember you saw me." Ivan's voice held hurt, but the anger was out powering it and showing more clearly in his voice and facial expressions.

"Than help me remember," Ludwig blabbered the soft plead before he even thought. Everything Ludwig had held in until now, all the pain and hurt and humiliation and anger and _**feeling**_, was coming out in huge burst. "I'm so sorry, Ivan. I hate myself for what I did to you. It was stupid and wrong, and I was careless. I didn't realize I had everything already. I had you, and that is all I need! I was an idiot, I was-… I'm an idiot for letting you go!"

Ludwig quickly forced himself to swallow a few times to keep the lump in his throat from getting in the way of his already pitiful voice. He blinked so he could see clearly and tried not to let the tears that stung his eyes take over completely. His pride had already vanished when his emotions took over. Now everything was coming down to his own self control, pride no longer mattered.

"I'm so sorry, Ivan… I-"

"I get it, da," Ivan whispered in a slightly broken voice, but it was held together better than Ludwig's. Ludwig felt his heart break all over again as he realized Ivan was crying. He made Ivan cry _again_. He messed up all over _again_. Ivan was wiping his face rashly and trying to breath evenly, Ivan was shaking, but both men knew it wasn't cold at all, besides, Ivan was wearing his scarf. "I get it,"

"I'm sorry," Ludwig whimpered, wanting to reach out to wipe Ivan's tears away, but Ludwig knew that was a horrible move, a stupid move that would probably only make things worst. Getting close enough to touch the man he had hurt? Ivan would surely reject him on the spot! "P-Please don't cry, I didn't mean to make you cry-"

"Nyet (No)," Ivan whispered. "It's alright," Ivan gave Ludwig a half-hearted smile. Ludwig quickly decided that that smile was as close as a genuine smile he'd ever get to see again. Besides, he didn't deserve to see Ivan's real smile again, not after how he had caused the man such pain.

"I'm sorry," Ludwig whispered again before he could stop himself. He had said sorry so many times, but each time he seemed so genuinely sorry. Ludwig bit his lip, fighting back tears; he didn't deserve to be forgiven. He'd never be for what he did, but he wanted to be forgiven so badly, he needed to be forgiven to be able to live with himself. And he hoped he could at least see Ivan smile, his real smile, at least one more time. "I'm sorry for everything Ivan… I didn't… I'm so sorry…" Ivan stared at Ludwig for a few moments. Ivan knew if he really hated Ludwig, he could kill him. Right than and there he could easily reach over and-… but Ivan wouldn't kill Ludwig.

Ivan hated to admit it, but he still loved Ludwig, his sunflower, he still loved him so much. He still missed him. He still wanted him. He still needed him… Ivan bit his lip, he wanted Ludwig to hold him again just like before. For Ludwig to tell him it was going to be okay, that he'd make everything okay. He wanted to hear Ludwig say it again.

"I miss you, I miss you so much," Ludwig whispered again. "And I'm sorry, I didn't mean… I don't know what I was thinking. I'm horrible, I know." Ludwig started to blabber again. "I know I don't deserve another chance," Ludwig seemed to be thinking hard even though he was still dealing with a slight hangover and the still slight drunkenness. It all touched Ivan because he knew Ludwig drank to calm himself down and to unwind after a long day of work, he'd rarely seen Ludwig think so hard while completely intoxicated like he was at the moment. "But please, Ivan, please… I'll make it all-"

…_better_, was the unspoken word, and the only thing Ivan needed to hear, wanted to hear, _had_ to hear before he let Ludwig back into his life. Ludwig was being truthful; Ludwig never lied. He never cheated, and he never made Ivan cry until… the end.

Ivan kissed Ludwig before he could even stop himself. He kissed Ludwig hard on the lips, and he held Ludwig close for a few moments before he opened his eyes to look at the man who had caused him so much pain. Ivan realizes Ludwig was clinging onto him too. His arms around Ivan's neck, and his head down against Ivan's shoulder. From Ludwig's shaking body, Ivan could guess Ludwig probably was crying.

"I love you, Ivan…" Ludwig whispered, his forehead pressed against Ivan's shoulder. Ivan could feel his eyes soften as his shoulder was watered with warm tears. "I love you so much… I'll make everything better… I'll make everything better again… I don't ever want to be without you again…" At this point, Ludwig seemed to be talking more to himself than Ivan, "I won't ever leave you, ever…"

Ivan nodded as he held Ludwig tightly, it was the only thing he could do really. Ivan smiled to himself suddenly. How he missed Ludwig… "I'll help you remember tomorrow, da…" Ivan paused for a moment as he stroked Ludwig's hair softly. "I'll always love you too," He whispered into Ludwig's ear.

Ludwig looked up to kiss Ivan on the cheek slowly.

"Thank you, Ivan… But I don't think I'll forget this… no matter how drunk I am…" Ludwig whispered softly, his voice starting to get lighter with each word.

"I never stopped loving you, and I think… no matter what happened or ever will happen, Sunflower," Ivan heard Ludwig let out a tiny noise in happiness at the pet name, so Ludwig was fond of his nickname. Ivan smiled warmly now. At first, Ludwig hadn't been very happy with the name. Ludwig had thought it was much too… girly. "That I ever would," Ivan whispered the rest softly. Ludwig sighed softly, nodding his head.

"I'll never do that again to you, Ivan…" Ludwig whispered back. Ivan could feel Ludwig's hot breath in his ear, and it made Ivan shiver. He realized he missed Ludwig's scent and protective arms around him, and Ludwig's lips touching his own- "I'll never hurt you again like that…" Ivan smiled as he clutched onto Ludwig tightly before he kissed the other man's lips softly. Ludwig's face flushed slightly, and Ivan fell in love all over again. "I'll never do it again… I promise…" And in the mist of all of that, Ludwig passed out against Ivan's shoulder.

Ivan gave Ludwig to Gilbert with a content smile.

Ivan would have such fun telling Ludwig what happened last night tomorrow. But Ludwig would probably remember. Ludwig always did the most extraordinary things, and it would probably be Ludwig's sheer will power alone that would make him remember the events that had happened. Ivan giggled slightly, pure joy. He felt light, light for the first time since Ludwig had hurt him. He felt his smile soften as he decided he didn't need to drink tonight, he'd go back home and count the hours until Ludwig woke up.

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Ludwig woke up about one in the afternoon. His icy blue eyes fluttered open, and he touched his fingers to his lips. He felt his face flush as he thought of the lips that had touched his own. He smiled to himself still staring up at the ceiling. Was it all just a dream? Or was it really…? He laughed quietly, a small, contented joy, for even if it was a dream, he'd at least seen Ivan smile again-

"Sunflower, are you awake?" The soft voice beside him startled him, making his eyes widen as he suddenly jumped up. Ivan smiled again, the smile that made Ludwig's heart skip. Ivan reached his hand out to softly stroke Ludwig's cheek, Ivan's violet eyes shining with delight. "I'm so happy, da!"

"It wasn't a dream, was it?" Ludwig finally manages to speak, his voice a little dry, feeling horribly thirsty. Ivan hands him a glass of water that was sitting on the bedside. Ludwig sits up to drink some, remembering the memory completely, and it was kind of surprising. He'd actually remember the whole thing though it was a bit hazy, almost having a dream-like quality to it. Ludwig felt his face flush a little. But it was _true_, wasn't it? "So, how did you get in here without Gilbert going nuts?" The seriousness in Ludwig's voice made Ivan laugh again. Sweet and musical and it made Ludwig's face flush a hot pink.

"I asked him nicely," Ivan spoke softly, keeping his voice down. "He said last night, before he tucked you into bed, you kept asking for me, so I guess he isn't going to oppose our relationship anymore-"

Ludwig pressed his lips against Ivan's.

"I-" Ludwig started, he looked away again. His face flushing, he had done it without thinking. He'd done it without single thought about Ivan's feelings or if the man even wanted it.

"Its okay, shush now, my pretty little Sunflower," Ivan beamed brightly. Ivan wrapped his arms around Ludwig. "I just want to hold you again," Ludwig nodded, his own arms wrapping around Ivan. "I won't ever leave you, so calm down… I don't blame you," Ivan smoothed Ludwig hair down as he realized that other man's eyes were starting to water. "I love you," Ivan kissed the man's cheek softly. "I'll always love you, forever and ever,"

Ivan's hand tightly held Ludwig's. Ludwig brought Ivan's hand to his face before pressing his lips against the backside of Ivan's hand. "I'll make everything better,"

"I know you will," Ivan giggled lightly before he let his lips touch Ludwig's in a soft brush. "You never broke a promise to me," Ludwig looked like he about to say something, the guilt on Ludwig's face made Ivan want to flinch, but Ivan pressed his index finger to Ludwig's lips instead. "Sunflower, love, you came back to me, and that's all that matters,"

Ivan let his head rest against Ludwig's chest, listening to the steady rhythm.

"I won't ever let you go again," Ludwig finally whispered, his arms around Ivan tightly. Ivan felt a small smile form on his lips. "Never ever," He closed his eyes contently, oh how he loved his pretty little Sunflower...

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><p><strong>Please Review and Thank you for reading!<strong>


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